Tomorrow Begins Today

On Wednesday these are the words that my coach (aka Clint) woke me up with. Since that day I have made sure to walk 1.5 miles Wed-Fri. Gweny and I get bundled up and head out the door. It's nice to be outside when it's not to hot. It's also nice knowing that I'm taking a step in the right direction.

Today I asked Clint what was on the agenda for our Saturday together and he said that he thought we could go for a family bike ride. I agreed and after some preparation we set out with me leading the way. Some of you may not know my intense fear of falling but it paralyzes me to the point of anxiety attacks and stifling activity. We rode from our house to the River Jordan Trail and then up to Main Street in Lehi. Doesn't sound to bad right? Well I freaked out a few times and had to self-talk myself into avoiding a fall (or four). Clint also had to encourage me to go on several times. Two hours later when we got home I thought I was going to die. I started to cry hysterically in our driveway from pain and disbelief...not only had I done it but I didn't fall. It was an amazing feeling. The rest of the day my butt, thighs and knees have been killing me and apparently for good reason. Clint just looked up the mileage and what we thought would be a 5-mile ride total turned into 10.3 miles. I just looked at him in utter disbelief and then cried a little. I can't believe it. I just rode my bike 10.3 miles and lived. :) I am still dumbfounded by this and could ramble about it but won't.

All I am going to say is this. Most of the time when we set out to make a change we think we can't do it. Today, with the help of my loving husband and supportive daughter, I proved to myself that I can. I can do this. I can do the Turkey Tri next year. Why? Because "Tomorrow Begins Today."

PCOS...confirmed

For the last week and a half I've been having pelvic pain and my doctor scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow morning. I've been nervous about it but have stayed calm and took note of my symptoms. This morning at about 7:45 I started to get ready for the day and began to have excruciating pelvic pain. It started when I was going to the bathroom so I thought it might be gas so stayed there a bit hoping it would go away. It didn't. I then felt like I needed to stretch out my abdomen so I lay down on my bed, this didn't work either. I was crying and sobbing, hoping that eventually the pain would go away...it didn't. I slid off my bed into a kneeling position and prayed a simple prayer. I wanted the pain to go away enough for me to take care of Gweny who was beginning to wake up. I crawled (literally) to the bathroom and tried to go again. After that failed I hobbled to the phone and called Clint at work. Sobbing I tried to explain the pain...different than what I had been experiencing and across my whole lower abdomen and back. He immediately made preparations to come home and take me to the ER because I was unable at that point to do anything.

By the time he came home I was almost pain free. Shortly after talking to him I went and got Gweny and the pain began to subside. I felt dumb but we went to the ER because that is what my doctor told us to do if the pain got worse before the ultrasound appointment. The staff at American Fork Hospital were super. They took my vitals, gave me an IV, took my blood, made me pee in a cup (but maintain a full bladder for an ultrasound), gave me an external and internal ultrasound, explained the results and gave Gweny crayons and pictures to color all in two hours. It turns out my original diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), that I was given about 6.5 years ago based on symptoms, was accurate. The ER doctor said I had fluid in my pelvis due to a ruptured cyst. There is no way to tell how large that cyst was but those remaining on my right ovary (and probably the left one as well) are the size of grapes. Apparently this is not large in the world of ovarian cysts. He gave me a perscription for pain and sent me on my way.

Luckily it wasn't something more serious. I'm grateful for a proactive husband who takes me seriously and doesn't think I'm a whiney baby. I'm grateful that the pain (which is still present but is back to just slightly irritating) is not life threatening and that with proper care is manageable. I am grateful for friends and family who have shared their concern and kept me in their prayers, I know this helped. I plan on finding out more about PCOS and what I can do to alleviate symptoms, pain and generally improve my quality of life. If nothing else this experience taught me how precious life is and to not take it for granted. I plan on being around a long time and now that I know the diagnosis is manageable I can do exactly that.

Date Night!

Last night was the funnest night I've had in a long time! We went to the Elisa concert in SLC. She is a big European music artist that is trying to break into the American market. Clint and I first heard her on So You Think You Can Dance and were instantly smitten. I listened to her CD on the way to the concert and was worried, it was so mellow. When she took the stage her presence was amazing, she is this little 5 foot nothing power house. She kind of reminds me of Ally Sheety. Anyway, she ROCKS! It was so fun to be there with Brian, Brianna, Angie and three other new friends. For a brief moment I was carefree, no worries about money, career, family, or anything. It was wonderful. Clint and I don't go on dates very often but I'm sure glad we did this time. Hopefully I'll get some pictures posted pretty soon. My favorite songs were Dancing and Rock Your Soul. If you get a chance to listen to her you really need to, she's amazing.

"Fun" House Mirrors, Lasik and Ultrasounds

Oh my. It's been an eventful few days since my last post. A few days ago while looking in my bathroom mirror I was struck by my reflection. No longer did I see the girl I was but I had a moment of clarity about how I look now. Not a fun thing. I was instantly reminded of "Fun House" mirrors and thought about how most people think it's so funny to look at their reflection and see how the mirror alters it. Unfortunately my mirror was not an altered image of reality, it was infact reality. This was a difficult pill to take but it did get me motivated. It makes me realize even more that I MUST take my health seriously and put it at the top of my priority list.

As a result of this revelation I FINALLY called my doctor about some sharp and dull abdominal pain I've been having since last Saturday. She was already gone (or unavailable) so they said they would give her the message and call me back within 24-48 hours. I then called my eye doctor to set up an exam. My family has some major eye diseases and so it's very important for me to get checked out every year. It has been about a year and a half so and I'd been putting it off, not because I was worried but because I didn't feel like my eyes had changed at all. Well I got lucky and was able to get in that afternoon. At the end of the appointment I asked my doctor about my candidacy for Lasik, a question I ask every time. I have never been a candidate because my eyes have continued to change significantly every year, last year he said I would probably need to wait another two years. Yesterday I had the most wonderful news, I no longer have to wait. My eyes have stabilized and I am now looking into my options. :)

While on the way to my eye doctor appointment Clint called saying my other doctor's office had called and needed to set up a pelvic ultrasound because of the pain and other symptoms I've been having. Not really what I expected. That examination will happen on Tuesday morning. I'm nervous about it but maybe this will put me on the path to health.

Overall this week has been a week of revelations. Not only revelations about my size but my health as well. It is scary to think how my lack of health is and will affect my family. I plan on being around a very long time but to do this and actually have quality of life I must take action now. After my ultrasound I plan on making an appointment for my yearly exam so that we can get an even clearer idea of my overall health, my friend Teddi will be very proud of me. Thanks Teddi for supporting me and encouraging me to take care of me.

Feeling Gratitude

So I just looked back at all the comments I've had on my blog and realized what an awesome group of people I'm surrounded by. I was pleasantly surprised by those that wrote encouraging thoughts and wanted to express my gratitude to each of you. This has truly been a struggle but knowing that I have awesome friends and family around me (both locally, nationally & internationally) makes it a little more do-able. I appreciate your words of adivce, cheerful comments, suggestions and offering of support. It is really an unexpected perk to blogging, not something that I thought I would ever do on a regular basis.

Today was another low calorie day. :( It's like once I make my mind to be very careful about food intake I get paranoid. I'm having a hard time finding balance. At the beginning of this year it wasn't this hard to find balance...of course I was only teaching one night class. Now I have two night classes and a block class. Besides that Gweny is much more mobile and demands more of my attention. I really need to get a handle on this before it backfires and I end up with other problems. Hopefully I can put some order back into my life this weekend...I just need to make it until then.

Not enough calories really bites!

Today was kind of depressing. I had two bags of clothes that should have been going to DI but I had to bring them back in the house because I don't have very many clothes that fit me. I've gained too much weight. That was a sad moment as I brought them back...I guess at least now I'll have something to wear. Another thing that happened was I actually started watching what I eat again and I am starving! I don't think I had enough calories and so I guess I'm paying for it now. I need to plan out my meals & snacks better so that this doesn't happen again. I haven't started to exercise yet, I'm just trying to make baby steps. I don't feel like I have nearly enough hours in my day to do all the things I need to. Along with trying to make dietary changes I'm also trying desperately to organize my life. Hopefully as this happens life will get a bit more manageable.

So, the first real day of changing my diet...and it went okay. I definitely have room for improvement but it's a start.

Getting motivated

So, saying that you are going to make a healthy change is one thing...actually doing it is completely different! Life was crazy today and so I didn't get anything done as far as motivation and exercise and stuff. I did, however, buy the fixin's for a delicious light ceasar salad (my favorite) and bought some new workout clothes. That was a step in the right direction. My cute husband also said that a friend of ours wants to run in the Running with Angels 5k in May...I had the same goal but hadn't told him. She gets home about the same time I do so this could be a match made in exercise heaven! She has done every 5k with me so far (3) and so this is a perfect transition. I just don't want to let her or myself down.

Last night just before falling asleep I was talking to Clint about my blog and how scared I am. I asked him to be my coach and he accepted. I can't think of anyone better to crack that whip. Now with Tiffany beside me and Clint backing us up I know that the Running with Angels and ultimately the Turkey Tri (November) are attainable. If anyone else out there wants to get in on this crazy idea please let me know. I can use all the support I can get.

So my motivation? Not dying. Seriously.

The first step to health?

About a half an hour ago it suddenly felt like I woke up. I looked at myself and realized that I was worse than I have been since I started trying to lose weight almost a year ago. I weigh 275lbs, only ten away from my heaviest ever. I don't know what happened. I just can't stop eating. I think a lot has to do with stress...financial stress and it sucks. It's time I took a good hard look at myself and I finally did. I'm not the girl I want to be, at least not health-wise.

My husband is doing great, he's the athlete that he never knew he was. This makes me wonder if there is an athlete inside of me? I once thought there was, now I'm not so sure. In junior high and high school I was in Track & Field, I didn't like it so when the first opportunity arose I quit. Nothing took it's place. Now I feel like I'm that teenager again searching for the activity that will speak to my soul. This time reading and writing is not enough, I must find something active, not only for myself but for my daughter.

I'm scared. I'm scared of living the way I am, and I'm scared of dying because of how I'm living. Is there a way out? How do I stay motivated? How do I compete with genes and a lifetime of programming. Since I cannot afford to pay someone to report to this will be where I report. If you read this you will get to hear all about the good and bad times I have as I search for my Holy Grail of health...I guess this is the first step so here goes...